am I not special enough?

jealousy is a cry for attention.
I can’t say I haven’t felt it in a while, or even recently.
example: sometimes I feel like my friendships are just competitions with other people, and in my mind I never win. people usually pick someone else over me and then I get green with jealousy like no tomorrow.
I think I just don’t like being put aside…

but truth is, jealousy gets you nowhere. and it’s gotten me nowhere so far.
if you ever happen to experience something along the lines of jealousy, just find it in yourself to understand every side of the situation and how people’s minds work. a lot of times, what you notice is something that didn’t mean anything at all.
a lot of my friends have crazy body languages that say one thing when they mean the exact opposite.
don’t rely on what you see, rely on the truth.

“I was always jealous of something getting more attention.” – Robyn Hitchcock

sometimes, though, jealousy can work to your advantage. it can show you how much you truly want something, or how little you actually want it. either way, don’t let it consume you.
step back and write your feelings down. that always helps me.
in the end, I guess jealousy is an inevitability for everyone at some point in each of our lives.

apology accepted?

apologizing: it’s not something we’re quick to do, but it really does make all the difference when trying to set things straight. when you apologize, you sort of accept the wrongful humility of your actions and understand that you shouldn’t have done it.

I personally think that you should only say sorry if you truly mean it and you will never do it again; I don’t find the sense in apologizing for something that you’ll do over and over again. if you truly learned your lesson, then you should keep it with you and there shouldn’t be a question about you being a repeat offender of whatever it is you did.

“being sorry is the highest act of selfishness, seeing value only after discarding it.” – Douglas Horton

that quotes stands near and dear to me because I feel that if you are mature enough, you really shouldn’t do things that should make you feel sorry. I’m not saying I’m mature at all, but I guess it just boils down to people’s expectations of each other.
that being said, in an expectation-free world, no one would expect an apology or an acceptance.

split dynamics, parts of a whole.

a lot of times people have two or more cliques that they associate with. that being said, they tend to alter their personalities to fit each specific group of friends.

I, personally, split my friends into various categories; I have friends that have known me for a long time, friends that share my like for all things seemingly morbid, friends that joke around with me about every thing possible, etc. etc. etc.

I find it kind of hard to keep the boundaries I’ve made within my personalities because sometimes one group of friends won’t really react as positively to how I would act around another group of friends, if that makes any sense.
I like to think that all of my friends understand that I’m quite complicated and quite often misunderstood (even by myself) and this goes for everyone as well — people aren’t just a plain surface with flat-out likes and dislikes; we have dimension within our personalities that make us who we are. in fact, I believe that in order to stay true to who we are, it’s imperative to have different groups of friends that can effectively cater associate with your different complexions.

but when you stretch yourself out so thin, you begin to question your personalities as a whole; you understand yourself as individual personas, but can’t quite piece the clippings to the big picture.
it gets easier with time, though, as long as you’re willing to understand yourself.